I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
