mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
