Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
