I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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