when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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