i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
