I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
