I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
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Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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