Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
