omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
