my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
