Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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