clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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