loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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