do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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