time to smoke my breakfast
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
