I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
