Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
