I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
