Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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