While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
