I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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