So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
