I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
