The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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