K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
