it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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