soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
