I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
