Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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