Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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