im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I cut my penus on the lid.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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