You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
