I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
