I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
