just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.