What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."