Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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