So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
