on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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