Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
