I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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