I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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