So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
