And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
