So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
