am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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