Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
