Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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