Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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