I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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