I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
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She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
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Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner