i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My penis needs a shock collar
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.