Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
