im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
