I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
