I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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