saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
