my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
