I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.