this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
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This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.