The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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