please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
