you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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