I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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