do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So much rum. So many feels.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
