I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
